'VE BEEN WONDERING LATELY IF EVERYONE is smarter and more secure than I, or whether they just know something I don't know. I'm still in a quandary. It has to do with the haunting question of whether or not my children are doomed to known and unknown psychological problems if I decide to step outside my door to work. Will I be labeled a second-rate mother? Are my children going to be emotionally scarred because of it?

Not long ago my sister-in-law and I were chatting about our two precious sons in connection with these questions. I'm a psychologist who works part-time, and she's a full-time mom. We discovered to our surprise that we both felt pressured regarding our choices. My sister-in-law felt that others looked down on her because she had not pursued a university degree, choosing instead to be a full-time mom.

I, on the other hand, felt that I was not a good enough mom because I couldn't bear the thought of staying home all day, every day, with my two children.

To further compound my dilemma, I leafed through a book on parenting by a Christian psychologist who advocated that mothers stay at home until their children were at least junior high age in order to sustain normal healthy development. The chapter concluded with suggestions for mothers if they were unfortunate enough to be "forced" to work. The message: Working outside the home is a second-rate choice, but could be endured if necessary. By the end of the chapter I felt incredibly guilty, frustrated, and angry. I wondered if others felt that way also-especially single parents.

We all know that nobody replaces mom; but nobody replaces dad, either. Yes, I know research suggests that mothers who are employed appear less depressed and happier than those who aren't, but I also know that a woman who works and feels it is not in her child's best interests is likely to be depressed too. In some other cultures women have relied on extended family and social networks to care for their children while they worked. Those options are not available to everyone.

Hard-and-fast rules about working mothers don't fit every situation. For some, the work schedule of the husband permits him to care for the children while his wife works. Does the prescription of mothers not working outside the home apply to her?

I wish there were fewer prescriptions about what women ought to do and more discussion of the principles on which choices should be based. Listed below are a few principles that might help.

1. Make decisions with the good of your child in mind. The responsibility of raising a child is importantCvery importantCright up there with cultivating a relationship with God and with your spouse. That means every decision should be weighed in the context of your child's welfare. Children know intuitively whether they are a priority in their parents' lives or notCno matter whether a parent is at home or at work.

2. Nobody replaces mommy; and nobody replaces daddy, either. A father who works too hard so that mom can stay home isn't doing anybody any favors. When a child is born, both parents need to enter into the discussion of employment, child care, and finances. Since when was child care versus career only a decision of motherhood? Husbands and wives both need to compromise, struggle, and give of themselves to see that their children are adequately loved, clothed, fed, cared for, and made to feel important.

3. Children need the love and stability of a home. We've all heard stories of the kinds of kids who come from latchkey homes, and obviously we wouldn't advocate that as an ideal. However, providing a home for children will mean different things for different families. While I have been known to can peaches and make applesauce, I can't remember the last time I baked cookies. My child coming home from school to milk and cookies is a remote possibility, whether I'm at home full-time or work full-time. It's just not me. But my child will come home to a clean house, a good story on Mommy's lap, and lots of discussion of the day's events. However you choose to do it, kids need the emotional support of all that the word home implies.

4. Children need a lifestyle that's healthy for kids-a lifestyle that's stable, nonrushed, and relaxed. Ellen White suggests that, far from constant stimulation, children need a quiet childhood with lots of freedom to exercise their minds and bodies. Parents should keep this in mind when considering child-care decisions for their children.

5. In a child-friendly family parents love each other and are happy with their lives. I may not be with my daughter every day, but I know she is receiving good care. When I come home from my two-day-a-week job, I'm dying to see my children and I'm ready to be mommy again. My marriage and parenting skills are better for it.

6. Think win-win. When making tough decisions regarding parenthood, consider the needs of both you and your child. Working part-time was the best decision I ever made, both for my children and myself. My depression lifted as soon as I returned to work. As a result, I am better able to bond with my children. Because my husband and I considered the needs of our children as well as our own needs, we both made sacrifices.

For many of my friends win-win has meant mom at home. They can't bear the thought of having to work and aren't forced to consider it for financial reasons. Thinking win-win often means thinking creatively and coming up with solutions that are unique. To meet the demands of parenting in the new millennium, parent roles and employment are changing today like never before.

7. Be flexible to change as your child grows. Solutions that work today may not work tomorrow. Placing your child as a priority is going to mean different things at different ages-newborn, a preschooler, or university student. Listen, listen, listen, both to the verbal and nonverbal messages your child gives. Children generally figure out ways to let you know when something is not the best for them-even if it means acting up. Be open to hearing those messages.

No matter what your decisions are, they will probably be different for every family, because every family has a different situation, different personalities, and different needs. For instance, a single parent will make different choices than a two-parent family.

Ultimately this means supporting each other in their decisions, rather than promoting only one choice for everyone.

_________________________
Carole Brousson Anderson is a mother and psychologist who writes from Port Moody, British Columbia.